Don't forget to read the small print.

There seems to be a lot of stuff around about having a disclaimer on your blog. I guess it’s just another sign of the society in which we live; all terrified of offending someone or getting sued. I think for most personal blogs it’s a bit over the top but I’ve decided I want one! It’s lengthy, as all good legal stuff should be, and please don’t forget to read the small print.

So, here follows the disclaimer for Alcohol, condiments and cigarettes:

All opinions expressed belong to the author. They do not necessarily represent those of their employer, friends, family, random strangers or God, unless otherwise stated.

This blog is not intended to cause offence to anyone apart from those the author intends to offend. It will be clear when something is meant to cause offence. (The author reserves the right to mildly annoy)

Published comments from third parties do not necessarily represent the views of the author. However, if comments are funny or show great skill, insight or general wisdom, then the author reserves the right to use those comments as they see fit. (Though they will provide a link to the original author – blogging etiquette and all that)

Despite any claims to the contrary, the author is not an expert on any subject. This includes, but is not limited to, health, love, life, fun, writing, music, TV, literature, safe consumption of alcohol, diet, exercise or any emergency situations. If you require expert advice in anything, then please leave the blog immediately and consult someone with either letters after their name, a nice certificate or a big office.

The author reserves the right to claim that any illegal activities (perceived or otherwise) committed in the past, present or future, were in fact committed by a friend of a friend of a friend’s dog’s vet’s sister’s hairdresser’s mother-in-law (Keep up!). Who has now moved to a remote part of the world. Where contact from outsiders is actually illegal in itself.

Additionally, the author will not take responsibility for any of the following (though this list is not exhaustive):
* Any blogs posted whilst under the influence (BUI).
* Any negative consequences from following the author’s example. You do this at your own risk. Please remember that the author is highly experienced in fucking up. (However, if you do follow the author’s example and something fantastic happens, then the author would appreciate full credit)
* Any offence caused by the author’s language, spelling or grammar.
* The reader not finding the contents humorous. If this is the case then please consult your doctor as soon as possible, a virus may have entered your sense of humour.
* Any illnesses, defects or physical/emotional changes caused by reading this blog. This includes, but is not limited to, eye strain, weird stuff caused by spending too much time near the odd technology rays emitting from the screen or increased arse size from reading the blog rather than doing something more useful and/or active.

Finally, the author reserves the right to claim that every word written is a lie. Especially if this disclaimer is not legally binding and the author suddenly finds themselves in court.

(Disclaimer for disclaimer: please take all of the above with a pinch of salt. It is meant to be a tongue in cheek piece and is not to be taken seriously.)