Dear Diet Whore or Bore (delete as appropriate)
I am writing to you as I feel that there are some things I need to point out. This is for your own good; it will mean that I do not have to beat you around the head with your latest ‘miracle’ and force feed you cream cakes.
The first thing I need to make you aware of is that buying the book and looking at the pretty pictures is NOT enough! If you are going to follow this diet then I’m afraid it means that you have to actually cook the suggested meals and then eat them. By that, I mean eat the recommended portion and not the whole thing plus the contents of your freezer!
I also need to make you aware that following a diet for one week will not have an effect. Have some willpower and at least give it a go if you want to. If you give up, please do not issue us with a list of excuses. Do not tell me that it didn’t fit into your lifestyle but the new one will – I don’t believe you.
Also, please realise that I do not care which one you are flirting with this week. I do not need to know that you are following the Weight Watchers plan and exactly how many points your meal has consisted of. When I wake up in the night reciting point values for everything in my fridge (salad is 0 points, but an egg has 2!) then things have gone too far! When you are on the Atkins, I do not need to know where the dreaded ‘hidden carbs’ are hiding, it does not interest me at all.
When you are following Gillian Whats-her-face I do not need to be made aware of the fact that eating fruit and seeds has done wonders for your bowels, or that you can do amazing things with tofu. I have no interest in which seeds you are going to buy wholesale, as I know that in a couple of weeks you will have moved on to something else.
I do not wish to be informed about what I should swap for what. I do not care if what I am eating contains 500 calories, whereas if I made a slight adjustment I could save…Ooo, all of about 5 calories. I have no desire to discuss whether counting calories, fat or carbs is better or how far I would have to walk to burn off the doughnut I have just eaten. I enjoyed the doughnut, why would you want to ruin it for me?
I hope you understand the intentions behind this letter. I do not mean to cause you pain (yet!) but I am worried that, in time, I will be unable to stop myself. For your own sake I am going to issue you with the following advice…
Put the diet book down and eat some bloody chocolate!
Yours
Alcoment
Wednesday 29 August 2007
An open letter to all diet whores and bores
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7 comments:
You made a grave ommission in this blog post, Alcoment. You should have added this self-help group for the diet whores and bores to reference: http://www.britishlard.co.uk/
I think it will help. They'll never want to eat again...
Where were you with the chocolate advice when I was dieting? :)
Agnes - I'm slightly disturbed that you knew about that site! But I will pass it on to the appropriate people, I'm sure they will find it beneficial. Thanks ;)
Rosie - it's my general rule in life - if in doubt, eat chocolate!
ooohhhwweeeee.
i love when you write these open letters.
i totally hear you on not wanting to know how many points or carbs someone ate in the last hour.
fab diets are way cultish. i'm convinced.
in order to protect myself from said cults, i eat. a lot. it's the only way to ensure my safety and peace of mind.
I agree that fad diets are very cult like - they seem to take over whole groups of people, who become quite obsessed and then try to convert every living person within a 10 mile radius!
Maryannaville http://maryannaville.blogspot.com
carries a great post ref: the Purina Puppy Chow diet - Titled need a good Belly laugh.
Maybe the 'stick insects' should go on the TV show Do I look Good Naked where the feedback is all NO, NO NO, instead of YES, YES, YES
Thanks for stopping by reasonable robinson, I'll check out the link.
I'd love to see an edition of Do I Look Good Naked where that happens, maybe we should all suggest it to Channel 4!
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