It's just a little kiss.

There is nothing more likely to scare and confuse us English folks. That’s right; I’m talking about cheek kissing. What was once the domain of the dreaded kiss from Auntie Mable, in which you desperately offered your cheek to stop the bitty, red lipstick and powdery whiskers from touching your own lips, is now standard practice. Everyone you meet seems to expect a kiss or two from you.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for kisses, and kiss my friends hello and goodbye on a regular basis. However, I don’t expect to have to kiss my colleagues, bank manger, waiter and the random people I meet on the street! Where do you draw the line? When is it acceptable? And how many times are you supposed to kiss?

We all know the scene – you’re at a party and being introduced to a friend of a friend. You both fumble and stumble, trying to decide whether a kiss is expected or not. Finally, feeling confident that you are about to kiss, you lean forward and deliver a quick (and hopefully, dry!) kiss on one cheek. Pleased that you have successfully negotiated a social minefield, you lean back ready to relax and meet a new friend, then realize to your horror that they are aiming for the other cheek now! Trying to cover up your gaff, you quickly move forward to administer yet another kiss. Then, disaster!, you bang them on the face with your nose, having misjudged the distance in your rush. Cue nervous and embarrassed laughter all round. The other scenario to this is you go to kiss someone and end up receiving one of those annoying, lovie kisses, you know, the mwah, mwah, air kiss ones. For Gods sake, either kiss or don’t. Unless you are actually an actor then do not do this, it looks pretentious.

We should all petition parliament to have a law passed that determines how many kisses are expected. The French kiss twice, the Dutch three times. Us Brits remain confused and seem to make it up as we’re going along! If we could have a legal number and also define the situations (and who with!) in which cheek kissing is expected, I’m sure we would all feel happier and embrace our inner kissers.