My tabloid education

I have spent a lazy Sunday morning surrounded by the papers. Part of my Sunday ritual, along with watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, is to take a trip through the wonderful world of tabloid trash and update my knowledge of useless information and celebrity trivia.

I have some admiration for those who manage to wade through the broadsheets and receive their Sunday schooling in literature, culture, the Arts and where to go on holiday now that the plebs have discovered those ‘hidden gems’. However as, under health and safety legislation, I do not have the appropriate equipment to get them home safely I’m afraid I have to give them a miss. Considering that an entire rainforest has been felled to print one copy – I would fear for my poor back if I was foolish enough to try and handle them manually!

So, I thought I would share today’s lessons with you, so we can all feel the benefit.

* Viagra is now being used to help treat certain lung diseases. I can only marvel at a drug that can have two uses with complete opposite effects – one to leave you breathless and one to ease your breathing, this is modern medicine at its finest!

* Splashing vinegar on a jellyfish sting stops the pain almost immediately. I have to say that I am now slightly confused. I heard a seminar on this a few years ago courtesy of Friends – it was recommended on there that you persuade a close friend to urinate on the affected area. Now I’m not sure which I should choose, but as I rarely take a bottle of vinegar to the beach, I think I only have one option.

* The growing trend in plastic surgery is women requesting that their nipples are made permanently erect. I can’t help thinking that it would be just as effective, and a lot cheaper, if these women simply made sure they had a permanent supply of portable ice cubes with them!

* A massage parlour (read brothel) in Brighton has spent £3,000 on improving its disabled access for customers. If they are serious about trying to improve their business and attract new customers, maybe they should consider a range of special offers. They could start a loyalty scheme with a fancy card and points you could redeem for treats and maybe a Buy One, Get One Free promotion – it may do wonders. On the other hand, if they are trying to be seen as the equality brothel, maybe they should propose a tempting offer to social workers to move over to them, they could then cover a whole new clientele.

* A popular use of myspace is to test a partner’s loyalty and fidelity. Ooo, a honeytrap with a geeky side. Gone are the days when women (and men!) had to rely on their inbuilt detective skills, we now have technology to aid us. Is it just me, or is anyone else quite scared about this? A bunny to boil anyone?

* Jordan and Peter Andre’s sex life is better than ever since the birth of their daughter. I am so happy now I know this. I have to admit this has caused me some concern, but now that I have been reassured I can sleep easily again.

So there we have the main lessons for today. Please take note and try to remember them, there may be a test later.

Oh, and for anyone who’s interested, my horoscopes have assured me that both love and luck are just round the corner. I am so happy, but considering they’ve been telling me this for the last 27 years, I’m not going to hold my breath…

Don't forget to read the small print.

There seems to be a lot of stuff around about having a disclaimer on your blog. I guess it’s just another sign of the society in which we live; all terrified of offending someone or getting sued. I think for most personal blogs it’s a bit over the top but I’ve decided I want one! It’s lengthy, as all good legal stuff should be, and please don’t forget to read the small print.

So, here follows the disclaimer for Alcohol, condiments and cigarettes:

All opinions expressed belong to the author. They do not necessarily represent those of their employer, friends, family, random strangers or God, unless otherwise stated.

This blog is not intended to cause offence to anyone apart from those the author intends to offend. It will be clear when something is meant to cause offence. (The author reserves the right to mildly annoy)

Published comments from third parties do not necessarily represent the views of the author. However, if comments are funny or show great skill, insight or general wisdom, then the author reserves the right to use those comments as they see fit. (Though they will provide a link to the original author – blogging etiquette and all that)

Despite any claims to the contrary, the author is not an expert on any subject. This includes, but is not limited to, health, love, life, fun, writing, music, TV, literature, safe consumption of alcohol, diet, exercise or any emergency situations. If you require expert advice in anything, then please leave the blog immediately and consult someone with either letters after their name, a nice certificate or a big office.

The author reserves the right to claim that any illegal activities (perceived or otherwise) committed in the past, present or future, were in fact committed by a friend of a friend of a friend’s dog’s vet’s sister’s hairdresser’s mother-in-law (Keep up!). Who has now moved to a remote part of the world. Where contact from outsiders is actually illegal in itself.

Additionally, the author will not take responsibility for any of the following (though this list is not exhaustive):
* Any blogs posted whilst under the influence (BUI).
* Any negative consequences from following the author’s example. You do this at your own risk. Please remember that the author is highly experienced in fucking up. (However, if you do follow the author’s example and something fantastic happens, then the author would appreciate full credit)
* Any offence caused by the author’s language, spelling or grammar.
* The reader not finding the contents humorous. If this is the case then please consult your doctor as soon as possible, a virus may have entered your sense of humour.
* Any illnesses, defects or physical/emotional changes caused by reading this blog. This includes, but is not limited to, eye strain, weird stuff caused by spending too much time near the odd technology rays emitting from the screen or increased arse size from reading the blog rather than doing something more useful and/or active.

Finally, the author reserves the right to claim that every word written is a lie. Especially if this disclaimer is not legally binding and the author suddenly finds themselves in court.

(Disclaimer for disclaimer: please take all of the above with a pinch of salt. It is meant to be a tongue in cheek piece and is not to be taken seriously.)

Adventures in the City

I spent yesterday in London with Mr Flirt; we were both off work so went for an adventure. There was no real plan about where we wanted to go or what we wanted to do, so we spent the day following the ‘Which way looks more exciting’ trail, with the occasional ‘flip the coin, that will tell us’ when all ways looked good. I have to admit that the day was also punctuated with quite a few pub pit stops for refreshments!

We walked for miles and covered a lot of places. Neither of us felt like doing the culture thing (the extent of that was a very good classical group playing in Covent Garden and then walking past Buckingham Palace, good old Liz was there but didn’t invite us in for a cup of tea!) so we roamed around a lot, looking at the people and generally mucking about. We did go on a carousel though, you know, the old fashioned ones with the horses that go up and down. We were the only adults on there that didn’t have a kid as an excuse, but that’s never been a problem in my book.

One of the themes for the day was all things ‘Shameless’ (look here for an explanation if you have no idea what I’m talking about). Mr Flirt specialises in a fine range of accents, including a bloody good Manqunian one. We were walking through a park, deciding that we should be lager louts, when Mr Flirt realised we had neither cans of Stella or a dog. There was little we could do about the larger, but I decided that I could act like a dog and did some random barking and growling as necessary (this is always fun, I love seeing people’s faces as they try to decide whether to laugh or start worrying).

There was also the interesting moment where we realised that my bra can double up as a bungee rope. We were about to cross a road and as I stepped out, I found myself being hauled back onto the pavement with a definite bounce. I hadn’t seen a motor bike coming round the corner, Mr Flirt had grabbed the first part of me he could, which happened to be my bra. I was most impressed by the fact that he had been able to do this and make sure that it stayed done up!

Our final adventure for the day was causing a bit of mayhem on the train home. I have to admit that by this stage I was really quite drunk (Mr Flirt not so much, having sobered a bit on the long walk to the train station) and in the mood for mischief. The late trains back have always got some interesting passengers on, first we met Drunk Bloke Being Sick, his girlfriend was not amused, though we were. Luckily, Mr Flirt and I are well prepared for these situations (not based on our own experiences obviously!) and found an empty cup for him to be sick in to and then provided him with a soft drink and chewing gum. Next came Drunk Girl With The Green Mac, she was funny and provided a bit of girlie talk. As we approached home, Mr Flirt decided to treat the carriage to his special Gay Icon rendition of The Pussycat Doll’s “Don’t cha…”, complete with t-shirt knotted up to show off his midriff. I have to say, that image will stay with me for a long time to come…

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I would just like to clarify that though some of what Mr Flirt and I got up to could be classed as non-PC, it was all completely harmless, no one was hurt or offended and no manqunians, chavs or lager louts were harmed in the course of the day.

I can see you...

One of my favourite ways to pass the time is to people watch, it can be done anywhere, it’s free and you’re pretty much guaranteed to see something or someone amusing. One of my favourite people to do this with is Mr Flirt, he really gets into it. Because we eat out a fair bit, we’re often in good places to do it and end up making stories about the people we see.

One night we went to a local restaurant that puts on live music and spent most of the night people watching. We saw many people, including Woman Waiting for Blind Date, who had obviously arrived, seen her and left (I felt sorry for her, Mr Flirt just found it amusing). We also witnessed the group of ‘I may be 60, but I can still par-tay!’ blokes and the wannabe John Travolta, who was unfortunately more porn star than film star!.

There’s also the added element of fun when we are in the same restaurant as someone with a loud voice, especially if their dinner partner is softly spoken. In this case you only get the one side of the conversation and can fill in the gaps yourself, which leads to some weird and wonderful conversations. Though half the restaurant is left wondering exactly why the two of us are hysterical with laughter.

The thing with people watching is that you can make up the most unbelievable scenario for them and part of you knows that it could actually be true. It’s also an opportunity for shamelessly passing judgement on other peoples taste in clothes, partners and lifestyle. I’m always amazed by the amount of people who seem to forget that other people can see them. I’ve seen so many people do things like pick their nose, or pull their knickers out of their bum, when they think no one is looking. But that’s the thing, there is always someone looking, and yes, it’s usually me!

A workplace tradition.

Hands up. Who’s done it? And did you feel guilty about it? Yep, throwing a sickie. We’ve all had days when we’ve woken up and just really not wanted to go into work. So then we have two choices – we either go into work, do very little productive stuff and mope about all day, or we call in sick! Now, we know it’s wrong and we know our bosses generally don’t believe us, but we also know that they can’t prove it!

However, there are some general rules and guidelines to pulling a successful sickie. Make it realistic, it’s got to be something that you can realistically ‘recover’ from in 24 hours – so you’re looking at the old faithfuls of food poisoning, migraine or the good old, (very) general stomach upset. Also, think before you phone. Most people automatically put on a ‘throaty voice’ when they call in sick, does it go with what you’re saying you’ve got? The next one is important. Very rarely call in sick on a Friday or Monday, these are the days bosses are looking for. Do not even consider on the Friday before, or Tuesday after, a Bank Holiday. If you do, you might as well call in and just tell them you’re throwing a sickie and you’ll expect your P45 on the desk on your return.

If you choose to deviate away from the illness call and use family emergencies, then remember what you’ve said before. Don’t be the person whose grandmother died four times (in fact, thinking about it, do not kill off family members, it’s just not nice). If you’re female with a male boss, gynaecological problems can be very useful (they can also provide further sick days, in the form of ‘appointments’).

Whilst you’re off, remember you’re meant to be sick. Do not go to the pub or shopping, you will run into someone from work! Also, do not sunbathe. How will you explain a nice shade of lobster when you were supposed to be on the toilet?? Sickies are days for lying on the sofa, watching daytime TV and eating chocolate biscuits!

Follow these guidelines and you should be able to relax and enjoy your day off. Long live the sickie!!

Disclaimer: the author can not take responsibility for anyone following these guidelines, getting found out and losing their job! All sickie throwers do so at their own risk.