My tabloid education

I have spent a lazy Sunday morning surrounded by the papers. Part of my Sunday ritual, along with watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, is to take a trip through the wonderful world of tabloid trash and update my knowledge of useless information and celebrity trivia.

I have some admiration for those who manage to wade through the broadsheets and receive their Sunday schooling in literature, culture, the Arts and where to go on holiday now that the plebs have discovered those ‘hidden gems’. However as, under health and safety legislation, I do not have the appropriate equipment to get them home safely I’m afraid I have to give them a miss. Considering that an entire rainforest has been felled to print one copy – I would fear for my poor back if I was foolish enough to try and handle them manually!

So, I thought I would share today’s lessons with you, so we can all feel the benefit.

* Viagra is now being used to help treat certain lung diseases. I can only marvel at a drug that can have two uses with complete opposite effects – one to leave you breathless and one to ease your breathing, this is modern medicine at its finest!

* Splashing vinegar on a jellyfish sting stops the pain almost immediately. I have to say that I am now slightly confused. I heard a seminar on this a few years ago courtesy of Friends – it was recommended on there that you persuade a close friend to urinate on the affected area. Now I’m not sure which I should choose, but as I rarely take a bottle of vinegar to the beach, I think I only have one option.

* The growing trend in plastic surgery is women requesting that their nipples are made permanently erect. I can’t help thinking that it would be just as effective, and a lot cheaper, if these women simply made sure they had a permanent supply of portable ice cubes with them!

* A massage parlour (read brothel) in Brighton has spent £3,000 on improving its disabled access for customers. If they are serious about trying to improve their business and attract new customers, maybe they should consider a range of special offers. They could start a loyalty scheme with a fancy card and points you could redeem for treats and maybe a Buy One, Get One Free promotion – it may do wonders. On the other hand, if they are trying to be seen as the equality brothel, maybe they should propose a tempting offer to social workers to move over to them, they could then cover a whole new clientele.

* A popular use of myspace is to test a partner’s loyalty and fidelity. Ooo, a honeytrap with a geeky side. Gone are the days when women (and men!) had to rely on their inbuilt detective skills, we now have technology to aid us. Is it just me, or is anyone else quite scared about this? A bunny to boil anyone?

* Jordan and Peter Andre’s sex life is better than ever since the birth of their daughter. I am so happy now I know this. I have to admit this has caused me some concern, but now that I have been reassured I can sleep easily again.

So there we have the main lessons for today. Please take note and try to remember them, there may be a test later.

Oh, and for anyone who’s interested, my horoscopes have assured me that both love and luck are just round the corner. I am so happy, but considering they’ve been telling me this for the last 27 years, I’m not going to hold my breath…

Music moves on.

So, today is the day that Prince has released his new album by giving it away in The Mail on Sunday, and what a reaction this has got! The outrage this has caused in some people is really quite shocking. There are ultimately two winners in this situation - Prince and the Mail. They've certainly created an event that has generated more publicity than either party could have hoped for. I switched on BBC News 24 this morning only to find myself watching an item about it. Now, I had expected a brief mention, especially due to the reaction to the release by the music industry, in particular that of the likes of HMV. However, I did not expect it to be one of the main stories, though maybe that was quite naive of me!

The Mail will more than certainly receive one of it's highest level of purchases today. I bought it and I never read the Mail as it does not sit well with my own personal views, so I only bought it for the CD, which I suspect many, many people will be doing. Who will refuse an album that costs £1.40? The Mail may well win a few new readers, which I guess is their ultimate aim. Prince has managed to create a huge amount of publicity for himself, mainly through free PR. He has been paid by the paper and will undoubtedly earn even more through tours and the trappings that come with that.

Some of the music industry and those selling CD's have joined forces in expressing their dislike for Prince's actions. They are shouting about the rapid decline of sales of CD's, which is very true. However, maybe they need to accept and recognize that the way in which we buy and listen to music has changed considerably over the last few years. The internet means that many people now download their music (legally or otherwise), whether it's singles or whole albums. Certainly many artists recognize this themselves. Ash have announced that they will no longer be producing albums, but will be releasing individual tracks. Gnarls Barkley shot to number one with 'crazy', through downloads alone. Many artists release a single for download quite a while before the physical single itself hits the shops. There are also those artists who hit mainstream listeners through popularity on the internet - think Sandi Thorn (though there are those that argue this was just a very clever, planned PR stunt!).

HMV have taken the decison to sell the Mail in their stores today. They claim this is the only way they can make the album available to their customers, though they seem to have missed the point. In this case we are not HMV's customers, we are in fact customers of the Mail. I can only imagine that they are hoping that if people buy their copy of the Mail in their stores, they will be enticed to buy more music whilst they are there. This is an acceptable retail trick, but please do not insult us by dressing it up with the 'we care about you getting this album' talk!

It also has to be noted that newspapers have been giving away CD's and DVD's for a long time now. True, the CD's tend to be of older artists and of complilations (I also bought the Mirror today and got a Jerry Lee Lewis CD!), but the principle is still the same. It is just that in this case an artist has decided to release his new album through this avenue. Maybe music retailers need to keep up with their customers and work with us, rather than struggling against the inevitable. CD's will never disappear completely, that was the fear for vinyl, which is increasing in popularity again. Yes, it is convenient to be able to download music, but there is something very satisfying about looking at a healthy collection of CD's!!