The eternal argument

My parents are locked in a long running battle.

It’s been going on for years and I’m not sure if it will ever be resolved as neither are willing to compromise.

Dad wants a cardigan and Mum won’t let him have one.

My Dad is in his sixties and has been creeping comfortably into ‘old man’ clothing for several years. He has a love of corded trousers, lambs wool jumpers and loafers, though, slightly at odds with the rest of his style, he’s recently bought a very cool pair of Red or Dead glasses!

He has wanted a cardigan for years and has even tried to get Mum to knit him one. I’m not sure why, but he has a longing for a cream cable knit cardie. When he talks about it, he comes over all misty eyed and there is a definite hint of longing to his tone.

Mum point blank refuses to let him have one. When Dad asked her to knit one, she laughed hysterically for several minutes and then hid her knitting needles for several years! On the rare occasions they enter Marks and Spencer’s together, she always looks like she’s about to rugby tackle Dad if he so much as looks towards the men’s knitwear section!

I get the odd call from one or the other of them, specifically about the cardigan issue. Both ask me to talk to the other one and get them to change their mind. Over the years I have been through many options, trying to find a happy medium, but neither are interested.

I’m not sure why Mum’s so against him having one. I know it shouts out ‘old man’, but Dad really wants one. I read in one of the glossy magazines that knitwear’s really ‘in’ for blokes this season, including cardigans, so maybe I could send a copy to Mum and see what she thinks!

An open letter to all diet whores and bores

Dear Diet Whore or Bore (delete as appropriate)

I am writing to you as I feel that there are some things I need to point out. This is for your own good; it will mean that I do not have to beat you around the head with your latest ‘miracle’ and force feed you cream cakes.

The first thing I need to make you aware of is that buying the book and looking at the pretty pictures is NOT enough! If you are going to follow this diet then I’m afraid it means that you have to actually cook the suggested meals and then eat them. By that, I mean eat the recommended portion and not the whole thing plus the contents of your freezer!

I also need to make you aware that following a diet for one week will not have an effect. Have some willpower and at least give it a go if you want to. If you give up, please do not issue us with a list of excuses. Do not tell me that it didn’t fit into your lifestyle but the new one will – I don’t believe you.

Also, please realise that I do not care which one you are flirting with this week. I do not need to know that you are following the Weight Watchers plan and exactly how many points your meal has consisted of. When I wake up in the night reciting point values for everything in my fridge (salad is 0 points, but an egg has 2!) then things have gone too far! When you are on the Atkins, I do not need to know where the dreaded ‘hidden carbs’ are hiding, it does not interest me at all.

When you are following Gillian Whats-her-face I do not need to be made aware of the fact that eating fruit and seeds has done wonders for your bowels, or that you can do amazing things with tofu. I have no interest in which seeds you are going to buy wholesale, as I know that in a couple of weeks you will have moved on to something else.

I do not wish to be informed about what I should swap for what. I do not care if what I am eating contains 500 calories, whereas if I made a slight adjustment I could save…Ooo, all of about 5 calories. I have no desire to discuss whether counting calories, fat or carbs is better or how far I would have to walk to burn off the doughnut I have just eaten. I enjoyed the doughnut, why would you want to ruin it for me?

I hope you understand the intentions behind this letter. I do not mean to cause you pain (yet!) but I am worried that, in time, I will be unable to stop myself. For your own sake I am going to issue you with the following advice…

Put the diet book down and eat some bloody chocolate!

Yours

Alcoment

Waxing lyrical

For some completely unknown reason I have yet again subjected myself to the nightmare that is The Home Wax. I don’t what it is about this, I know it’s going to hurt, I know that it’s not going to work as well as in a salon and I know that it’s going to get messy, but every few months I think I’ll wax instead of shave.

There’s so much choice out there and who really knows the difference. I could pick the pot of wax to melt in the microwave but this scares me and I have visions of having to go to A+E with third degree burns! So I end up with the strips. These things are strange, two strips of waxy paper that I have to ‘warm gently between my hands’ to melt it enough to rip the hair out by the roots. How the hell is this going to work? But each time I forget about the trauma from last time and take myself off to the bathroom to prepare for the torture. I follow the instructions carefully, check the ‘direction of the hair growth’ and prepare the first strip. It appears I have wiped out the rest from my memory. The next thing I know I’m sporting a rather patchy bikini line, with very attractive red blotches, somehow I have a strip attached to my foot and when I glance in the mirror I have the look a woman who has just done serious battle. I have been having flashbacks about what happened during the actual waxing, but it is too traumatic for me to write about…

Tonight is the night of the dinner courtesy of Miss Nice As Pie. Various texts have been flying back and forth and she is very excited about treating us to her culinary experimentation. Apparently she has decided what we will be eating, but she won’t let us know; she wants to surprise us! I will be picking up a couple of bottles of wine on the way. Obviously there is no ulterior motive here, its good manners to bring something to a dinner party!

Just a trim?

So what kind of girl are you? Brazilian, Hollywood, or au natural? That’s right I’m talking about pubic hair. Pubes, short and curlies, what ever you call them we’ve all got them, but what should we do with them? There seem to be a few theories about why we have ‘hair down there’; mainly around showing you’re ready for reproduction and for trapping pheromones. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why we have it, we have to decide what we want to do with it.

It seems each ‘style’ sends a different message. Leaving it alone and doing nothing, generally creates a reaction of ‘so how long exactly has it been then?’ and blokes tend to worry slightly about getting hair trapped in their teeth! There is something slightly disturbing about a brazilian. Yes, it feels nice (once it’s done! Don’t forget there are hairs ‘around the back’ that are also removed, by you getting into some very odd and intimate positions!), it’s clean and increases sensation. But it always strikes me as a disturbing cross between pre-puberty and porn star.

Then there’s the Hollywood. I had one of these, thinking this would be a compromise between the two. Not an overgrown jungle that the poor bloke would have to use a map to get to his destination and not something that would leave me feeling like a plucked chicken! All was going well, until I showed it to him and was met with “A go-faster stripe! Cool!”, not exactly the reaction I was looking for.

There are also those who create their own designs. We’ve all heard of the women who have created a piece of ‘art’, this seems to be around Valentine’s Day, when the popularity of hearts and red dye increases tenfold! I’m also sure we’ve all heard of the woman (urban legend or not) who dyed her pubes green and got a tattoo saying ‘Keep off the grass’.

Blokes don’t seem to worry so much about this for themselves. The most they appear to consider doing is a quick trim, though I suspect that this is to do more with gaining the appearance of a few more millimetres!

I’m not sure what the future of pubic fashion is; it certainly seems to change quite quickly. Maybe the answer is for everyone to get rid of their pubes and wear a merkin! I hear there are some fabulous designs out there…

In these shoes?

Crocs. What is about these shoes? Everywhere I look I see someone with a pair of these moulded rubber things on their feet, obviously very happy with them and feeling ‘trendy’. A walk down your local high street will show you the amount and range of people that are wearing them, I’ve even seen entire families (kids included) sporting these monstrosities.

Originally made as a boat shoe (I’m not going to go into the history, look here or here if you’re really that interested) they gained popularity through word of mouth. As the famous people began wearing them, they became the ‘in’ shoe to be wearing. There are also numerous websites devoted to them, whether you love or hate them. I also see that the company behind crocs are now cashing in and selling other products such as ponchos and T shirts.

Now, I can see that they must be comfortable. And I accept they are hygienic (wipe clean and all that!) and are recommended by podiatrists. But…they are so ugly. Why would you willingly wear a lump of plastic in ‘fun’ colours, just to look ‘cool’? These lumps are never flattering. If you’re on the larger side they do nothing to reduce your size and if you’re smaller you just look like you have freaky, giant feet! And why so many holes? I understand this allows sweat out and so reduces ‘stinky feet’ syndrome, but there is the cynical side of me that says this really must reduce manufacturing costs!

I know there have been cases of employers refusing to allow their employees to wear them to work because of health and safety reasons, as they have no backs. When I first heard this, I thought that there were at least some people with common sense. However, I have since found out that there are many different styles of crocs, including closed in ones, which most people can now wear to work.

I really hope this is a passing phase and people will finally realize that they have, yet again, been conned into a trend by the famous people and the media. I do not have a pair and have no intention of buying them. I can’t get away from the idea that someone has glamorized the orthopaedic shoe!