That's one way to make an impression!

There are times when it is not safe to let me out in public, especially if you’re trying to make a good impression. A few weeks ago I was at Best Friend’s new house. She had only moved in a few days before so was trying to show the New Neighbours that they were a nice family. Best Friend should have known that there were dangers to having me over so soon.

Miss Nice As Pie and I had gone round to celebrate the new house over dinner and a few bottles. All was going well, the meal had been lovely (Best Friend’s Bloke had also joined us, which is rare but pleasurable when it happens – he makes me laugh!), the weather was nice and we were suitably celebrating Best Friends rise to House With a Garden status. We were sat in the kitchen, which leads straight out into the garden, so we were only a few feet away from the New Neighbours, who were out in their garden with their little boy – it was all very ‘suburbia’.

The evening had started quite early, I had come straight from work and we cracked open a bottle more or less as soon as we got in. Because of this, the conversation got round to sex sooner than normal. We had music on and were talking about various things when the CD ended. Unfortunately this happened just at the point to allow New Neighbours to hear the end of my sentence. All they would have heard from Best Friends house was “…anal sex”. Cue shocked silence from New Neighbours, Miss Nice As Pie rolling on the floor crying with laughter and Best Friend not sure whether to laugh or apologise.

It may have been ok until I was over there again a couple of days later. Best Friend and I had been sitting in the garden and were about to go out. As we stood up to get ready, I realised I had been sat on wet grass and now had an attractive damp patch on my jeans. As it was a nice sunny day I decided to let nature do its job and bent over, arse in the air, to let the sun work its magic. Unfortunately I hadn’t paid attention to the fact that my bum was now facing New Neighbours garden. As I glanced through my legs, all I could see was an upside down Mr New Neighbour, looking very red as he scurried back inside…

Best Friend is more than aware of this trait of mine, having been through many moments of public embarrassment with me. I’m not allowed to go to family events that include the straighter side of her family, for everyone’s safety and sanity. She normally finds it all very amusing (at my expense!), but it may have been a bit too soon to unleash me on new people!